18 January 2017
In the bi-polar like exhilirated-angst diary of a 50-something God-seeking loony, my latest revelation about self and Self is the best yet!
I know...each time I hit on the 'latest', it feels like IT is the most profound and life-changing. Which it’s often appeared to be upfront – but then t seems to fade into the whole and the next onion layer starts slowly making it's way into the conscious for recognition. I guess this is the way with all change.
Except this is a really important piece of the total puzzle for me currently. I believe I’ve just cracked through to an important layer of myself and self-understanding. Perhaps the one that’s kept me confounded for about a dozen years or more but which has existed for my entire lifetime!
My confidence took a severe dive after the 6 month Satanic attack and etheric lockdown. Yet, the gift that the experience gave me -which has continued to this day - is to see and live each day as if it’s the last. To live each day as if there was no other. And with it to know that each day is an entirely new beginning on the consciousness adventure back to God’s heart we are all on.
Yet, as all my experiences have come and gone, leaving all of their indelible marks upon my psyche, they have not and cannot touch my God Self. For THIS is the station of my true identity; the real me. As it is for all of you. We only have the inner conflict we all have because we keep identifying with the inauthentic (aka ego forces) aspects of ourselves, being fooled into be-lie-ving this IS our true selves.
We lose ourSelves in this little self nonsense instead of being able to hold to our God within throughout our day and whatever it brings. Or as I like to say: instead of steering your ship's rudder and following in the 'wake' of God. Yes I know it's easier said than done for we are still striving, not being permanently anchored in Him.
Though we are wiser now, are we not? We have been through our respective mills and been ground up into fine powder in the process. Or to use another analogy: we’ve been the steel that’s been tempered by God that His master metal works of art may be birthed.
So I share this little bit of me in the hopes that perhaps a single soul might be moved to a new understanding of their own Selves.
Over the past nine or ten days I’ve had three major things revealed to me about my little self nature. I can thank no one but God for this, of course. I’m eternally grateful.
It came forth into my conscious mind as and when He decided it would. And not before. And yes, I’ve had related thoughts and feelings close to this over the past few years, but never quite got it like this.
It started the beginning of last week after watching Harald Vella Kautz talking about loving ourselves as ‘the way out’. A very authentic and God-committed being is he, imo.
Something he said triggered me and I wondered whether my struggle to know, own and love my self entirely was because of a particular split off aspect of me that was doing it’s own thing on the negative astral. Like an aspect of me that I’d rejected somehow and it had split off and developed and maintained it’s own identity and that IT was the thing that has been resisting me and me fighting it for so long. The thing that's appeared to be the internal ongoing conflict of mine.
I mused over this very long and hard. Yes, many of us have split aspects of ourselves due to our various traumas in our early lives. Some call the result soul fragments. Then there are those more severe aspects that turn into their own identities, like altes, that are deliberately created by MKUltra programming of various types at places like schools. Then there's other engineered programmes for easier control of targeted individuals on planet, in addition to collective mind control programming and methods to keep humanity separated from itself..and so it goes. All resulting in suppressed parts of our real selves at best and split off aspects of ourselves, at worst. Disconnection being the result.
Anyway, I realized then and there that yes, there was one split off aspect of me or even more than one that was dangling around somewhere ‘out there’ on the astral. And that this/these have been causing me a whole lot of heartache and all sorts of unwanted openings to (inner) places and conditions that were limiting and troublemaking and that I did not want at all. And that I'd been going about trying to know in an ass about face manner.
It took me a few days to digest the depths of this. And the damage these disconnected aspects had wrought on my life. I also kept seeing them as dangling from me, yet far away from me – and hanging by just a thread. Connected to me, but hardly so.
A few days later I asked my TATA (God within) about this and for confirmation and its link to loving self. I began a practice of talking to all my ego parts: my inner child, adult and parent, asking for their forgiveness and had some startling responses and feelings which led me to feel I was on the right track.
Today, a few days later again, I’ve had yet another revelation in piecing this psycho spiritual jigsaw puzzle together. That my Inner Adult – the major Critic of my life – was the actual one I’d invested the biggest amounts into rejecting and dismissing.
That that was my mother aspect. So I did to it what I’ve done with my relationship with my mother (which is a non relationship). I’d rejected it outright and it was angry. It wasn’t being acknowledged nor heard by me. Let alone nurtured and loved.
So I came back to the topic of ‘loving Self as the gateway to serving others'[as EM/HS recently described it] with TATA. How on earth could I ever hope to feel unity with and for others if I myself was a disparate mess of separated ‘aspects’? What a joke! No, not a cruel joke played on my by God. But a joke i played on myself as some type of personal defence strategy for survival in the world.
If only I knew two or three years ago what I now know with utter conviction...*sigh*...but no use crying over spilt milk, as it’s said. I know it now, today, and that’s also good enough.
I think this loving Self story cannot be underestimated, as I've said before. Because in this state as fully integrated beings in God, we are no longer striving, aspiring. We are just BEING fully who and what we already are.
Also, ‘Trinity’ has been on my mind ever since. The word. I want to rename my youngest cat Trinity or call something Trinity. And rename myself for my true name, in the process (which is not Trinity). But the word Trinity's been made manifest ☺. I’m seeing three’s of all sorts of things...everywhere. Is the Holy Trinity trying to message me?
Wherever I’ve been and even at home, in addition to the actual number, I’m also seeing threes through the nature kingdom: three Egyptian geese, another type of local bird, and yesterday three pigeons. Apart from other things making appearances in threes.
In between, it's been all colour of roses that have been appearing in my consciousness recently. I even felt impulsed to buy rose essence to use. Maybe it's as simple as Nada wanting to share something...but why such a strong 'rosy' emphasis then?
I've also just been impulsed to make contact with a company with that name in it. And reading signs further, there's another synchronicity and sign there...but I can't quite talk about it yet.
I forgot how religious I was in my late teens and twenties about authentic reggae protest music.
It was only through a friend's older sister I got to know about these brilliant artists - many who'd moved to the United Kingdom. Some still here with us on planet and others not. Amongst them is poet Linton Kwezi Johnson, Misty n Roots, exceptional Burning Spear and Black Uhuru:
I used to boogy my butt off to this, one of my favourites BU at a club you could be arrested at just for being there as a White mixing with other races in the 80's here.
Two of my best starts at 5.30
And if you have some more time, another of the greats: