I AM Present

I AM Present

Saturday, June 11, 2016



Just when I think I’ve let go of a destructive and limiting pattern, I discover it returns to haunt me. It all just seems never-ending. So at this point: the further down this road I go, the less I know and understand, so it feels. About both myself and my world [= one and the same].

For momentary lightness and as the Spanish-speaking waiter, Manuel said humorously in the old British comedy series Fawlty Towers : ‘I know nothing’. :-)

I spent decades doing what I thought was diligently applying myself to my inner work. My commitment was total, passing up on anything and everything and everyone that wasn’t aligned to my goal. Or that could distract me from it. I even got regularly congratulated by the hierarchy for ‘achieving’ this and that, spiritually-speaking. And doing what I understood was being asked of me as a means of aligning more greatly with my Higher Self.

If I wasn’t physically ill in a big way or up working halfway through the night towards some deadline or another, my commitment to the goal of God consciousness (though I didn’t call it that for many years) was ever-present, always spurring me on. It was what motivated my life – entirely.
So I can say my commitment and daily attempts to know and heal myself were always upper-most in mind and heart. And I was constantly reminded of the necessity of doing that inner work. And sort of provided with a trail of inner ‘breadcrumbs’ as to what to give my attention to next.

But after yet another series of ‘breakthroughs’ being thwarted in my all-too-familiar, one step forward, two steps backwards pattern, I’ve had to acknowledge a whole other element at work. The power of a very strong subconscious - doing whatever it could, wherever it could to impede every potential inner success.

It often seems like some sort of sick joke that the seeming-force of my subconscious has managed to do this – always without my conscious permission or desire. But really it’s no laughing matter, for sure. It’s why I’ve felt like I’ve come so close to my God goal many times, only to fall into the carefully-laid trap by my subconscious – again! And again and again and...
I’ve had to acknowledge the power of a very strong subconscious/ego at work. Often I’ve wondered whether hypnosis is the answer for someone like me. But when push comes to shove I haven’t really wanted an external force tampering with my head.

I don’t blame my subconscious, myself, God or anything outside of me. I’m not making excuses as a way to not be responsible for myself or my life.
Actually, it’s previously been a case of taking it all so seriously, that I’ve gone to the other extreme of beating myself up over not being able to resolve something within.

The problem with my subconscious, it seems, is that it doesn’t feel deserving and worthy. It doesn’t feel safe in God. No matter how differently from that I may feel during my conscious days.
This ‘subby’ views efforts to be in God as threatening, unsafe. Would you believe? Though, by all accounts, I’m not alone in this.
I was told I have a very strong spirit drive and an equally strong ego/subconscious.

It’s also why needing to feel in control of my healing rituals has been such an effort to relinquish. That’s a contradiction in terms, I know.
The thing is: you can’t be in an open space of being to both let go easily and receive the new if you’re still ‘holding on’, even (or particularly?) if it is through an exercise to let go. ☺ Because YOU are still controlling the process and it hasn’t totally been given over to God/your Higher Self.
The intellect is still running the ship, therefore not being open to the new/God/Higher Self.
This has been my experience. A very painful one, too.

As usual, I’ve gone running to the related specialists of the Lighted realms for help.
What I would really love and am calling for is for my subconscious to totally overwhelm me, to flood me, so I can see and know what’s there in order that I can deal with it better. That only comes, I know, if it’s in my highest and best interest and aligned with God's Will.

Besides this, I’m busy adapting to a whole new way of Being Me – without ‘subby’ and my ego dominating the show and causing me the grief it has in the past. Out with the old and in with the new.
I do think, though, that there must be a quicker and easier route out there than this has been. I just haven’t come across it yet.

God designed us and included the subconscious and ego. It’s part of our dual experience in this reality. The objective being to integrate all ‘parts’ into wholeness and God. And by doing that we can live the re-membrance of who we are in the greater Reality of ourselves...just by Be-ing who we naturally are already. Good and well to know this intellectually and in theory. But feeling kindly at every level about and towards ourselves is tantamount.

The great thing about this adventure in consciousness that is this life, the lives that we all have and live in this here and now is that things can and do change in an instant.
The reason why being on this planet currently is such a great gift.

We are constantly shifting the ‘works’ that we are becoming. Even if we ever/rarely physically move. For some of us, a single issue may take years or lifetimes to grasp, but grow we all do...sooner or later.

I often used to say ‘gifts of the soul come forth disguised as curses’. So, whatever God wants to learn and experience through this consciousness and persona of mine, I hope He’s having a good time doing just that. ☺

Our respective birthdates were when we each chose to come here; the times when particular energies prevailed on the planet.
I can’t help being in awe of the ease of the 20-something starseeds I’ve met. They came at a time when the energies on earth were far free-er of the encumbrances than those who arrived two or three decades earlier.
Many of the ones I’ve met seem to know quite naturally who they are and why they’ve come, acknowledging themselves without fanfare for being the goddesses/gods that they are.
Without effort, doubt or lack of sense of self, they seem to go about their soul business – living their missions already - with a flow in their inner knowing.
That, to me, is living the freedom of God.

Since mid-week or so I’ve experienced whole days of ongoing diarrhoea. Everything I've eaten, and I mean everything’s, passed right through me. A letting go...maybe. Despite not feeling good the past few days, I awoke today with a song in my heart – and that joyous exhilaration once more.

Having said that, it doesn’t matter anymore to me how long or short those deliciously-high God frequency feelings last for. Or don’t - as mentioned in one of my last posts. Of course, I’d love to live in them 24/7.
What matters more to me is knowing myself, subby’s/ego’s fears included, so as to work with fully appreciating, loving and accepting ALL of myself.

What good can any of us be to others if that charity doesn't first start at home, within us, towards our very own selves first.

Sunday, June 5, 2016


We will speak today of KNOWING versus BELIEF.

Belief has ever and always been of mind, of ego. Which is not the highest God part of you. Belief is engineered by need. Need of and for acceptance and approval from a source outside of the Self.

Belief is a process influenced, ingrained and produced by conditioning of all types – parental, societal and religious, amongst others.
Belief has little place in KNOWING yourself as God. In fact, belief could be said to be God’s enemy. While God has no real enemies in Truth, belief is a figment of yet another aspect of ego that sneakily works towards overwhelming and polluting the mind.

Once the mind has been sold on such concepts or beliefs, these then become what the world calls ‘values’ – your moral compass. This is based on your understanding of ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ in yourselves and the world both.

In order to know thyself fully in God one must therefore embark on a process of knowing these beliefs and values within and from whence they came. It is not enough to say ‘I believe in the power of Light and Love’ and expect that this belief will alone carry you to God.
For again, that which is of mind or dominated by it, cannot KNOW God – in its entirety.
While there is external influence on mind, there is conflict, inconsistencies and obstruction which hinders the free flow of this KNOWINGNESS.

It is certainly a Catch-22. For without mind you cannot function in thinking – a necessary process to arriving at and in the Truth of KNOWING. True KNOWING, when you are in it, emanates, however, not from the mind but from the heart or heart-brain – the place of your connecting point to God within you.

It flows like an eternal wellspring. Its essence moves through you, as if you are the river bed and the rushing waters of life both. You provide only the clear channel for it to move through and out of you, without hindrance of the mind’s ego manipulations which obstruct the flow.

Your Higher Self/God Self instruction is but to be the vessel for this KNOW-ledge. You are the river bed, in existence to house the flow of Life rushing through you, that it may feed into other tributaries, and together, flow into the larger sea of Life. Thus may all experience through you, KNOW-ledge, and come to KNOW their own.
Sipping of your individual KNOW-ledge offerings may well be that particular flavour which your brothers and sisters thirst for that may trigger their own flow in KNOW-ledge, so to speak.

But know this: you cannot hold to mind alone for the gift – that is already yours – to be active.
Needs must be that your journey into yourself/God within requires an emptying out of the mind trash. Otherwise the space for such a flow cannot exist due to the blockages.

How to deal with such?
First, know what you, as God being you, is not. Know the ego's modus operandi. Know the parts of you that speak constantly to yourselves in negative terms will hinder your flow of KNOW-ing, as do the many ways you keep yourselves in the lower vibrations.

Here we mean allowing feelings and states of mind such as unforgiveness, guilt, anger and more to dominate your consciousness on any given day.

All of these are BELIEFS about the Self, and often false, at that. And the continued works of the ego which strives only for the upper hand in all things pertaining to your existence on earth.
Being risen in the higher Lighted states allows for easier access to hear within and KNOW.

See your mind for what it is – a sieve that you use but to retain the purest grains of God consciousness, which you already are. And not a mechanism that you or others use against your Greater, Knowing Self.

You and your ‘parts’, mind included, are God’s. Transform that soil into a fertile river bed, ready to receive His flow that He can take hold within you.

And thus can the guidance of the KNOWING within you bless your own and the journeys of others.