I AM Present

I AM Present

Saturday, May 13, 2017



I'm happy to share that through all my shit of recent weeks and months - since it started last June actually - that my cyber and general communications have been restored to me. :-) Not without a little help from my invisible friends and the Lighted realm and my HS, of course. Bless you all for blessing me with this repair job!
Though not without casualties. My Mac was interfered with to the point where it's now completely unuseable, ditto my backup HP which was massacred long before then. However, I've been blessed with the temporary use of someone's computer which is working perfectly for me!

And the 9/10 month long bugging of my landline has finally ceased. Two weeks ago my line was cut altogether and until earlier this week I went without both computer and phone for a couple of weeks.

Since last year the local goon agents employed to put me under surveillance and who worked through our monopolising telecommunication company Telkom, would sometimes forget to give me a line and my first attempted call of the day would ring directly through to Telkom's corporate branch -lol.

Since my line's been restored and I'm not shouting at people to shout back at me to hear (interference signals were that loud), it feels luxurious and I will never again take this for granted.
But that's just an update on my personal affairs and not what this blog's about.

This sentence in a recent Heavenletter has been on my mind all week:

It may well be that the more you are sure you would know what you are doing, the more ignorant you might be.

Today and yesterday's Creator Writings highlight this, in a way, and how the ego works constantly to divert us from our reall growth, our real healing- even or particularly when we feel sure we're 'working on ourselves'.


Yes, by using our negative feelings about ourselves, such as guilt, which makes one feel like you WANT to and need to keep apologising or begging for forgiveness, the ego keeps helping us maintain our feeling BAD about ourselves - in one way or another. The blaming of self is very different from being responsible for self.
For each and every one of us it will be something different we
are dealing with - dictated to and coloured by our personal experiences and feelings about those. And more importantly, the feelings we have and hold about ourselves, as a result.

This is where it gets tricky. I personally, have spent decades on what I thought was honest-to-good solid work on myself and what I thought was visible healing. I'm not negating anything I did here and while there was healing and the building of becoming a more emotionally-intelligent person, I realise this could only go as deep as it could go.
No matter how many ways, means, methods or techniques I applied to freeing myself, I'd never been able to get beyond a certain state of being.

Why? Because of the unconscious self-saboteuring and false be-lie-fs held deep within. Which I guess determine the ease of ability or difficulty in letting go [also which I've written about numerously before].

Now here's where it gets trickier. Sometimes in doing our daily spiritual cleansing/connecting can actually support the wily ego with its created self-deceptions – instead of moving forward, healing and growing.

So this question of being utterly certain about what I think I know - first about myself, as everything starts within me - can easily be the very thing that blocks me...from knowing me.
And if I hold onto doing things as I always have, it becomes rigid. Rigidity is pounced on by the parasites – it's part of their sustenance. You need only look at the rigidity of be-lie-f of those in organised religion to see that.
So one week I woke up compelled to let go of doing all my daily spiritual cleansing/connecting. Apart from my protection.
I wanted to experiment.
I felt really uncomfortable at first, like I wasn't committing to my path. Those were the programmes of guilt being activated, to get me to return.

After close to a week, I realised that this holding to patterns was a major obstruction to letting go. I really wanted to shake my ego up by doing this – and I did. I managed this way of being for quite a few weeks, but then slowly began to re-entrench myself in the daily spiritual exercises. During this period it was the 'letting go of holding on' to even these practises I was testing myself on.

The thing is, in the light of how little we know about our subconscious and how it deals with the processing of our conscious daily experience, I ask how much did God expect of us this time around?

A fraction of sincere seekers have managed to master themselves sufficiently by being able to surrender themselves fully to their HS & God within to resolve this.
The other type I've seen that have also had good success in their mastery have been those healers who can see/feel how and where the parasites are at work on both others and themselves.

Though I've done everything in my conscious power with the first to resolve myself with inconsistent successes, I don't fit in the second category either.
Hence, the more I journey upon my daily, weekly and monthly path on this consciousness adventure, the more I realise how little I know. Mainly because the only true Knowing comes from continuous and consistent alignment with your God forces/your HS &the God within/your God Complex - whatever name you call that.

If we all had the vision to see how the parasites operate without our conscious permission in and around us and the related emotional and mental symptoms of limitation and fear that subsequently manifest, we could really take charge of ourselves in a new way.
But most of us don't have that gift.

So its a bit of a Catch-22. The less we live without constantly being able to draw on our God forces within, the more open and vulnerable we are to having our consciousness and thus, minds and emotions, interfered with by the parasitic forces. And much of it without our conscious knowledge or permission being granted.
Frankly, I think the vast majority of us are therefore, spiritually schizophrenic :-)

What to do to discern then if the subconscious has such power – to keep us from the goalpost or keep shifting us away, if we get too close to our goal of surrender or clearing ourselves?

God sees and knows our sincerity/lack thereof in all of our hearts. He knows what motivates us and why. He also knows what we need to resolve ourselves. In my case, and quite a few others I know, I'd say I've been trying too hard. Which has just proven to get in the way of...being.

My suggestion is to drop everything you do for a week – except your 2 x daily protection. Create the space for fluidity, ie [inner] movement to happen – always of course, choosing daily to do God's will, not yours. I noticed when I first did this my dreams went all berserk – in a good way. The ego and subconscious didn't have anything to fight with and were freaking out, as I'd withdrawn myself and my energy.
What's to lose in doing it for a week?

I also intended every night before I dropped off to sleep to bring up with the help of my HS-God Self/GA and Lighted specialists to acknowledge and embrace all of my shadow parts that the parts knew I loved and accepted them.

We are already magnificent beings that have allowed ourselves to become sidetracked by our egos. So striving towards something we are already is a waste of energy. We just need to know our entire power source is had by plugging into Source/HS.

A couple of weeks ago I was given a beautiful visual repeated over several days [but I'm still using it to visualise with] of me with all these many cords/thick black wires above my crown that had just been pulled out of something. And then I saw myself offering the cords and plugging all of them back up in to God/HS fully.
I also see myself currently pulling out cords continuously from my amygdala [sp?] in the brain, the so-called home of the ego. We are physical beings so we need physical references. I find such pinpointing helpful.

What's comforting for me right now is knowing how little I Know, while I don't have 24/7 access to Source/HS. In that I can more easily hand trust over to my God forces who know and see the bigger picture, my subconscious resistances and all parasitic attempts to bombard my consciousness and the results.

Unless it's given to me to understand, I'm not even trying to anymore – including in dreams. Personally, I'm just too damn tired to be doing any of that right now. It's my little self way of getting out of my big Self's way...

None of this is to say I'm not taking response-a-bility for my life and my creations each day. It's just that I loaded myself with so much pressure for so long before [fear of success/failure or both] that it produced little movement in the ways that matter.

Ascension or being recycled (into a sunflower, I hope)...? I choose Ascension and all that that brings. What my HS/God within chooses for my life may or may not be the same.
What I'm really trying to say is – at the deeper level – I have little to no idea of what I'm doing. But finally, that's quite okay as I'm not trying to control any outcomes of anything anymore.

I'll happily eat whatever I'm dished up. Which doesn't necessarily mean I'm not choosing my favourite foods :-)

P.S. Excuse any seeming-contradictions here, but I am a constant, moving and changing work in progress. So I could change my mind on anything said here by next month, or sooner.


I love this local jazz-funk artist, Ernestine Deane. This country, like all countries, just overflows with wondrous talent. Listen carefully to her lyrics; they match my current head/heart space:

'Rise again my friend, as you feel the blessing take you by the hand
Though you've been spinning round in circles
Though you been dancing out of time
There ain't nothing that you can do to re-arrange the songs

You've never been alone
There's been a guiding Light inside you
Leading you closer to the One
Every smile and every tear you wear
Is gonna take you there

Trust the plan, trust the plan
Think again...'