LETTING GO (AGAIN!!!)
Just when I think I’ve let go of a destructive and limiting pattern, I discover it returns to haunt me. It all just seems never-ending. So at this point: the further down this road I go, the less I know and understand, so it feels. About both myself and my world [= one and the same].
For momentary lightness and as the Spanish-speaking waiter, Manuel said humorously in the old British comedy series Fawlty Towers : ‘I know nothing’. :-)
I spent decades doing what I thought was diligently applying myself to my inner work. My commitment was total, passing up on anything and everything and everyone that wasn’t aligned to my goal. Or that could distract me from it. I even got regularly congratulated by the hierarchy for ‘achieving’ this and that, spiritually-speaking. And doing what I understood was being asked of me as a means of aligning more greatly with my Higher Self.
If I wasn’t physically ill in a big way or up working halfway through the night towards some deadline or another, my commitment to the goal of God consciousness (though I didn’t call it that for many years) was ever-present, always spurring me on. It was what motivated my life – entirely.
So I can say my commitment and daily attempts to know and heal myself were always upper-most in mind and heart. And I was constantly reminded of the necessity of doing that inner work. And sort of provided with a trail of inner ‘breadcrumbs’ as to what to give my attention to next.
But after yet another series of ‘breakthroughs’ being thwarted in my all-too-familiar, one step forward, two steps backwards pattern, I’ve had to acknowledge a whole other element at work. The power of a very strong subconscious - doing whatever it could, wherever it could to impede every potential inner success.
It often seems like some sort of sick joke that the seeming-force of my subconscious has managed to do this – always without my conscious permission or desire. But really it’s no laughing matter, for sure. It’s why I’ve felt like I’ve come so close to my God goal many times, only to fall into the carefully-laid trap by my subconscious – again! And again and again and...
I’ve had to acknowledge the power of a very strong subconscious/ego at work. Often I’ve wondered whether hypnosis is the answer for someone like me. But when push comes to shove I haven’t really wanted an external force tampering with my head.
I don’t blame my subconscious, myself, God or anything outside of me. I’m not making excuses as a way to not be responsible for myself or my life.
Actually, it’s previously been a case of taking it all so seriously, that I’ve gone to the other extreme of beating myself up over not being able to resolve something within.
The problem with my subconscious, it seems, is that it doesn’t feel deserving and worthy. It doesn’t feel safe in God. No matter how differently from that I may feel during my conscious days.
This ‘subby’ views efforts to be in God as threatening, unsafe. Would you believe? Though, by all accounts, I’m not alone in this.
I was told I have a very strong spirit drive and an equally strong ego/subconscious.
It’s also why needing to feel in control of my healing rituals has been such an effort to relinquish. That’s a contradiction in terms, I know.
The thing is: you can’t be in an open space of being to both let go easily and receive the new if you’re still ‘holding on’, even (or particularly?) if it is through an exercise to let go. ☺ Because YOU are still controlling the process and it hasn’t totally been given over to God/your Higher Self.
The intellect is still running the ship, therefore not being open to the new/God/Higher Self.
This has been my experience. A very painful one, too.
As usual, I’ve gone running to the related specialists of the Lighted realms for help.
What I would really love and am calling for is for my subconscious to totally overwhelm me, to flood me, so I can see and know what’s there in order that I can deal with it better. That only comes, I know, if it’s in my highest and best interest and aligned with God's Will.
Besides this, I’m busy adapting to a whole new way of Being Me – without ‘subby’ and my ego dominating the show and causing me the grief it has in the past. Out with the old and in with the new.
I do think, though, that there must be a quicker and easier route out there than this has been. I just haven’t come across it yet.
God designed us and included the subconscious and ego. It’s part of our dual experience in this reality. The objective being to integrate all ‘parts’ into wholeness and God. And by doing that we can live the re-membrance of who we are in the greater Reality of ourselves...just by Be-ing who we naturally are already. Good and well to know this intellectually and in theory. But feeling kindly at every level about and towards ourselves is tantamount.
The great thing about this adventure in consciousness that is this life, the lives that we all have and live in this here and now is that things can and do change in an instant.
The reason why being on this planet currently is such a great gift.
We are constantly shifting the ‘works’ that we are becoming. Even if we ever/rarely physically move. For some of us, a single issue may take years or lifetimes to grasp, but grow we all do...sooner or later.
I often used to say ‘gifts of the soul come forth disguised as curses’. So, whatever God wants to learn and experience through this consciousness and persona of mine, I hope He’s having a good time doing just that. ☺
Our respective birthdates were when we each chose to come here; the times when particular energies prevailed on the planet.
I can’t help being in awe of the ease of the 20-something starseeds I’ve met. They came at a time when the energies on earth were far free-er of the encumbrances than those who arrived two or three decades earlier.
Many of the ones I’ve met seem to know quite naturally who they are and why they’ve come, acknowledging themselves without fanfare for being the goddesses/gods that they are.
Without effort, doubt or lack of sense of self, they seem to go about their soul business – living their missions already - with a flow in their inner knowing.
That, to me, is living the freedom of God.
Since mid-week or so I’ve experienced whole days of ongoing diarrhoea. Everything I've eaten, and I mean everything’s, passed right through me. A letting go...maybe. Despite not feeling good the past few days, I awoke today with a song in my heart – and that joyous exhilaration once more.
Having said that, it doesn’t matter anymore to me how long or short those deliciously-high God frequency feelings last for. Or don’t - as mentioned in one of my last posts. Of course, I’d love to live in them 24/7.
What matters more to me is knowing myself, subby’s/ego’s fears included, so as to work with fully appreciating, loving and accepting ALL of myself.
What good can any of us be to others if that charity doesn't first start at home, within us, towards our very own selves first.